How to Stay Calm in a Crisis and Why Detachment Is a Trainable Skill - Jamie Cochran | GLS #209

Cochran learned this over 13 years at Echelon Front. The first step is self-awareness: know your physical or mental 'red flags' that signal rising emotion (e.g., pit in stomach, heart fluttering, stalling). Second, identify the situations where you're most likely to get emotional (specific person at work, coming home to kids). Third, create a written plan with 1-3 actions you can take in the moment: take a breath, physically step back, call a timeout, remove yourself from the situation, or for emails, take your hands off the keyboard and come back later. She emphasizes writing it down for accountability. She used this with her 10-year-old daughter, who wrote on her mirror: 1) take a break, 2) eat a snack, 3) jump on the trampoline. The daughter followed the plan and learned to regulate her emotions. Cochran practiced in small ways — delayed flights, frustrating client emails — so that when her husband nearly bled out from a wrist injury, she could stay calm, apply a tourniquet, and get him to the hospital. Six years later, when she got a cancer diagnosis on a Friday night, she detached, reserved emotion, and methodically sought a solution.

Cochran explains that this framework is taught to clients at Echelon Front. She uses it with her kids and husband. The sequence is deliberate: start with the problem and its root cause to establish clarity. Then, instead of saying 'this impacted me,' you say 'I know this impacts you because...' — this shifts the conversation from accusation to concern for their well-being, which reduces their defensive wall. Next, you take ownership: 'This was my fault because I didn't communicate the deadline clearly.' This models the behavior you want to see and prevents a blame cycle. Finally, you propose concrete solutions for how you'll fix it going forward. This framework turns a potential argument into a collaborative problem-solving session.

Cochran emphasizes that communication breakdowns often happen because we assume our intent will be understood. But if there's existing friction, the same words will be read through a negative lens. She illustrates with an exercise where they read the same email from two perspectives — the words are identical, but the interpretation is opposite based on the relationship. Therefore, leaders must manage tone (e.g., if you know there's friction, pick up the phone instead of email), choose words carefully (tact), pick the right moment (timing — not 10:30 PM with a tired spouse or before a big board meeting), and deliver the message through an ownership lens (delivery). This model is part of Echelon Front's communication training.

Cochran describes how she uses this with her kids. When her son was upset about a missed homework deadline, instead of lecturing, she reflected his emotion ('That's got to be frustrating'), then asked earnest questions: 'What are you going to do about it?' 'What could be an option?' 'Have you ever talked to her about it?' 'What would that sound like?' This guided him to take ownership and speak to his teacher himself. The result: the teacher, unaccustomed to students taking ownership, gave him a chance to make up the work. He later texted her, 'The stuff you teach actually works.' She emphasizes that this is a long campaign — the next day he blamed her for moving his gloves — but the cumulative effect builds the ownership muscle.

Cochran explains that avoidant leaders create a 'leadership vacuum' where everyone looks around waiting for a decision. The fear of making the wrong decision often causes paralysis. The solution is to make a smaller decision toward the bigger goal, then assess: 'Was that the right call? Are we moving in the right direction?' If not, you have time to correct. She contrasts this with Jocko Willink's style: he listens quietly in meetings, then when a vacuum appears, he steps in with a decisive call because he's been gathering intel. This principle is called 'default aggressive' at Echelon Front.

Cochran calls this one of her favorite tools. She explains that after discussing several action items, she'll say, 'Hey, really quick, can I get a readback? I'd love to understand if I missed anything of importance.' This subtle reframe — 'I miscommunicate a lot' — makes the other person feel safe to clarify or correct. It's a quick, two-way check that prevents misunderstandings from festering.

Cochran describes how she led up the chain of command with Jocko Willink. Initially, she'd call with a problem and he'd ask, 'What do you think we should do?' She found it frustrating at first, but realized he was giving her an opportunity to lead. She learned to always come with a solution. Over time, their relationship evolved: from 'Here's the problem, what should we do?' to 'Here's the problem, here's what I think we should do' to 'Here's the problem, here's what I did, just letting you know.' This progression built her confidence and authority. She advises others to see a need, fill a need, and if you're unsure of your decision-making parameters, ask.

Cochran believes ownership is the best gift you can give your kids, second only to discipline. She models ownership by admitting when she's wrong (e.g., with her son's cooler incident, she later delegated the packing to him). She uses earnest questions to help them see their own role in problems. For discipline, her husband has always worked out with their sons, and now they do it on their own — at a lacrosse tournament, her sons and nephews were the only four out of 28 kids who got up to work out. She also shares the story of her 5-year-old son insisting they cold plunge even when she was exhausted, showing how discipline habits can circle back and hold parents accountable too.

Cochran explains that detachment is not about suppressing emotions but about recognizing them and choosing not to let them dictate decisions. She learned this over a decade at Echelon Front, where the principle of 'detachment' is a core teaching. She practiced in low-stakes situations — a frustrating email, a child's comment, a delayed flight — so that when her husband severed an artery in a home accident, she could stay calm, apply a tourniquet, and get him to the hospital. Six years later, when she received a Friday-night biopsy report saying 'positive for malignancy,' she was able to detach, avoid panic, and methodically seek a solution. She emphasizes that you must first identify your personal 'red flags' (physical or mental signs of rising emotion) and the situations that trigger you, then create a written plan with 1-3 concrete steps (e.g., take a breath, step back, take a timeout) and practice it relentlessly in small moments so it becomes automatic when it counts.

Cochran explains that when Jocko Willink gave her the title of COO — a role she was already functionally performing — she immediately felt imposter syndrome because the title brought a new weight of responsibility. She sees that initial self-doubt as a sign that her ego wasn't running the show; it meant she was questioning herself in a healthy way. However, she stresses that staying in that state leads to self-sabotage and poor decisions. The goal is to use that humility as a starting point, then quickly build confidence through action, relationships, and decision-making. She estimates it should last only a few weeks before you start feeling competent.

Cochran's philosophy is rooted in the belief that people generally want to do a good job. If someone is underperforming, the leader should first look inward: Have I built a strong enough relationship? Does this person understand what's being asked? Are they in the right role? Do they feel valued? She advocates for taking ownership of every step before escalating. Only when the effort to support that person begins to detract from the rest of the team does she reach the threshold for firing. Even then, she fires through the lens of ownership, acknowledging her own contributions to the failure. This approach is a direct application of Extreme Ownership.

Cochran distinguishes between competitive drive (which pushes you to improve) and ego-driven competition (where you need to win at all costs and don't want others to succeed). She believes that when ego is in check, competition becomes a force that elevates everyone. She shares her own competitive nature and how she simultaneously champions other women, like Gabrielle Lyon. She recounts how when Lyon reached out to invite her to a health panel, she immediately said yes and became a vocal supporter of Lyon's work. This, she says, is the model: compete fiercely but also help others cross the finish line. She warns against women who want to be the only one in the arena and tear others down — that's a toxic dynamic.

Cochran explains that this belief is the foundation of their teaching. If you view a problem — whether it's a missed deadline, a conflict with a spouse, or a child's behavior — as a leadership problem, you can apply proven principles like Extreme Ownership, Decentralized Command, and Prioritize and Execute. It transforms the situation from something that happened to you into something you can influence. This doesn't mean blaming yourself for everything, but rather taking ownership of the outcome and your response. She applies this at home with her kids and at work with her team.

Cochran explains that every interaction is either a deposit or a withdrawal in a 'leadership capital' bank account. Small positive interactions are tiny deposits, but one negative interaction (taking credit, arguing, dismissing) is a massive withdrawal. People often overestimate how much capital they have, especially in family relationships. The framework of 'trust, listen, respect, influence, care' is reciprocal: if you want someone to trust you, you must first show you trust them; if you want them to listen, you must listen first; you must allow yourself to be influenced by them; you must show respect upfront rather than demanding they earn it; and you must demonstrate genuine care for their success. This builds the capital needed to navigate tough times and communicate effectively.